The Open Book

All I can see are white blank spaces and bluish tinted scribbles in front of me. All I can hear is the operatic voice of a tenor with climaxing string instruments to my left. And all I can feel right now really is... bewilderment and anxiety.

This is the ambiance in my little corner of the office room. This is where the invisible mosquitos chump on my chubby legs. This is where my dad and I exchange our small talks. The couch beside his computer at the other corner of the room is where the long and interesting conversations take place. I'll be sitting there in a few days. But not tonight. I still need a little space for myself right now.

It was earlier today that I realized that last month there was a big change happening to me. I was blind and oblivious and maybe took it for granted. Like a little voice at the back of my head, now I realized that I should have listened. But I'm not regretting anything. I have been shown a twinkle of light that things will always turn out okay and I will be blessed once again someday. I can only accept that now is not yet the right time, and that I have been given a second chance to redeem myself and become a better, healthier and smarter me.

Friends would ask if I am in pain or in shock. I said no to the first, and an I'm-not-really-sure for the latter. I guess I am but I think I am leaning more towards the positive signs of everything that had happened. I feel sad, definitely, because this has been a dream I've been yearning for. But now I've realized that maybe I'm also not ready for it after all. And that hopefully my plans for my career and my business will succeed according to plan and that I could finally enjoy living life as I should. My new motto for the coming year is "It's never too late."

I don't wanna make a big deal out of it and I guess I've been through so much shocking events in my life that any startling news will be perceived in a gentle manner. I'm a calm person by nature, but anxiety attacks do happen and I hate them. I dislike anxiety mainly because I want things to happen according to plan. I like planning something and foreseeing it's development so when things turn out wrong, I panic.

But this time, there was nothing to panic about because I didn't even know about it happening. So I guess I am okay. I feel fine. A little numb though. And I know I'll be acting a wee bit weird from now on.  Don't hate me for it.

All these thoughts spurring out of my head I want to spill out. I don't like keeping them in me. I might go insane. I wish I had a puppet to talk to, just like Jeff Dunham while he argues with himself. Now that's funny, and fun to do.

Gifts will be teared up soon and the kids will be either be shrieking with glee or be disappointed.  The christmas Grinch has been sitting on my shoulder every year.  He's been there, humbugging me ever since I grew up.  Nothing to feel awful about, really.  Just that the year ending holidays spring up agitated thoughts about the lost innocent feeling of happiness we all felt when we were kids.  I miss that feeling.  I miss being a kid.

Don't let me sulk your fruitcake mood.  I'm just simply thinking out loud.  Hahaha. 

Happy Christmas to everyone!  And for the coming new year, I just can't wait.